I so tired and sick of all of them. Granting they are new for me but i still feel unfitted in this situation. Where i am is not i want to be. It is so frustrating to be in this situation which i had chosen. I really don’t like to be here any more. I just want to be HOME. My sister is right. I will be stuck and could not express the real me because i have to assimilate on everybody. The attitudes are so unreal. The traits are so lousy. The doings are so pathetic. Lazy, slow, immature, worthless happy-go-luck people— and i hate it. they just blab on everything with out thinking of anything. Hopping here and there. running here and there, chit chat here and there. and I am so fed up with it. I just can not take it anymore. Frustration, indecency, won’t just find me. I am all hands up. To him to her to anyone. It annoys me to the extent that it make me fell on the worse part of me. I am shattered and tearing apart. I do not even know myself. I became less and less like me. I am an honored person at the young age but now, i am so worthless. I am a self reliant person but now, I am all out of it. i could take all my resource all together but  now, i am so stuck up. I transcend to something more that bring out the real me but now i am stationary in where i am now. I am hoping that i could be what i use to be and be what i just wish myself to be. and grow to my own means without frustrations and regrets. they will not just say “hey! come and join us”, but i most likely want to say “hey! come and join me”. I want to be the factor of all. I have different point of view into my life. I am raised in the different culture. I am more that this than that. I am more to myself jurisdiction that to general jurisdiction. I want to be me. and i hate them for making me NOT ME.

In my own self. I am the one who makes decision and dictates on what i should and suppose to do. I have to not let them overcrowd on my thinking and belief. I want them to separate from me. I want them to just be gone. Others might say i am loka but i am not. I am just being loka of all the things that they are making me understand and that i understandable! she is always right, right from the start. I can not live here even longer but i have to finish what i had started. I want to just make everything done! OVER. TOTALLY OVER! I just cant wait to leave. i just can’t wait to recharge the me in back home. I just cant wait to be true to myself. for once i have come to think that everything here is unreal. that everything here i surreal. i am in the middle of everything. making recognize of everything is not my type. I want to be just left and just be in my sanctuary. Loving the fact that i could do whatever i want more then the spent time with them and just follow. I am not really a crown person. I am a solo flight person and if i have companion i want them to be initiative person. I don’t want to be like ah.. um.. um.. not like that..

Lovers that never been not together exceeding 3 days.

Time flies by and it is the time that they are going to separate. If you were the leading character in the story would you ever let yourself be away from him for a week for 4 months?

If i were in the leading role, I can not bare leaving or not seeing my love one even for just a day how much more a week?

hmmm think think think…

I could, come by and visit him just to see his face or him see my face.

I could just be with him on the mobile phone every now and then so that he will not miss me.

But on the contrary, if i will be that obsesses towards him he will think that i am chocking him or grabbing his freedom. Will i be just let it be and just wait for him? but you know what I could be the worst, if it really hurts not to be with you for that whole week I really don’t know what kind of person I would turn out to be. I want to forget him for only that days but i am so afraid that i will adapt that act till i will be independent again and just ignore him..

How will you know that a person is really your friend? How would you ever know if they are true to you? how will you ever know if she/he is the kind of friend that will never turn their backs against you? How would you ever know? how would you ever apprehend the things that thought it was the right for you?

Facts about me:

I am the kind of friend that will be there for you always. I am the kind of friend that will truly support you in every way, nether the less if it can’t benefit you. I will will always be a shoulder for you to lean on and cry on. I will be your blanket to protect you. I am a truly sincere to every aspect of my concern. My motif is to make you happy and make you free of harm. I could say harsh to you just to reflect you to the bad things and attitudes that you are and were doing. Things sometime could odd but initially I am always her to to be you friend in all means.

My problem that really bugs me:

I got this friend/classmate, actually she was younger than me. I am 22, she was 17 at that time, but 18 right now. She has this sharp mouth that everyone around her including me are annoyed by her. I confronted their primary group of friends that they have to minimize the way they talk about people, particularly the words that she speaks. I told them in a nice way that they have to control what they are speaking, control minding other people business because who knows what can it turn out. They could stomp on a person who has greater attitude than them. As an older sister in the class I am also looking out for the safety of my younger classmates. And at that time my mom was planning to transfer me to batanggas where i will continue my 2nd year in BS in Nursing. I was like, having this great patience but to my limit it really erupted. I really don’t have anything charisma, light feeling, enjoying days with them. I feel like i am always in this dark cave where i am looking only with rocky wall, no feelings at all, blah. They are  this sharp, stiff, rough, and uneven texture that one’s you got contact on them with impact you will hurt yourself. Those people that i have mentioned are the  rocky wall. everything about them are same as the rocky wall. That is why i independently choose to transfer to other section. I am glad of what i did. I am now loving my section D. I love my classmates. Everyone is a friend of everyone. There are groupings in my current section but then everyone is friendly unlike section B. Grouped and had their own world. I really don’t know to whom to believed with.

Haaaaa.. at least i am out from section B. I don’t want to deal with then no more. Nor talk to them nor seeing them. I really really hate them.

I really don’t know how things got this far. I said I love him but it always left me emotionally drained. He said I’m going beyond his limits and stump on his patience and betrayed his sane. I don’t want to say I want to be his perfect girl because there is not such thing as perfect in this world instead the high above, yet I rather say I want to be the the right girl for him. The girl that will always be there for him, the girl who always understand him, the girls who would sacrifice things and people that are been there for me. How? How would I be that kind of girl if all i do is incorrect for him? will he ever hear me out?

I was so worried how would I celebrate my birthday. I have been here in the Philippines fro quite some time, I am still new and don’t know some of the exciting places which I would appreciate to explore and enjoy with. However, let the destiny do its thing. Let it surprise me in such a way it could also be a memorable day for me.

Good Luck and happy 23rd birthday to me..

I’m currently residing in the Philippines for my college. Yes, yes, and yes.. I am taking up BSN and thank god I already survive my 1st year as a nursing student. I didn’t even know that nursing here in the Philippines is really that hard. There are a lot of things that had happened to me for in my 1st year. I am actually the governor of my year level which i found it so stressful. I am also a mayor of my class section, and in a position in the sport organization. I know there are a lot of responsibility that i have.

Now being the Governor, We are now planning things for my capping. Oh yes, I am going to have my capping already in my second year level, and its tentative date is on the 4th of September. I am so excited to have my hands on the job. I want that day to me memorable for everybody. I really can’t wait to have my capping. After capping you know what, I will be assign in the DR, delivery room. hehehe.. I can not wait to have the experience, an actual experience..

So far, I am presently having my summer class, and i having this return demonstration. There are hell lot of memorization and it really makes me nuts. Oh well, i just put into my mind that it is not only me that experiencing this. All nursing students had gone through this and made it to its finale. I can make this.. Three more years and I am over with BSN, and I am planning to proceed to my masters or proceed medicine.. Good Luck to ME..

Pictures bellow are the compilation of my First year life..

Just to give you some of the 411 about me this 2009.. It is a tag of hundred list about me. What I like and what I don’t. What’s new with me and what’s old.

I don’t want to name people that i have to tag. Just feel free to copy and paste this post to you blog. The rules are still the same, tagging your friends. so I tagged everyone.. Enjoy.

1. Last beverage: apple cedar!
2. Last phone call: Jeric
3. Last text message: Jenny Lyn
4. Last song you listened to: I Belong to You by SuperChick
5. Last time you cried: A while
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: not yet
7. Been cheated on? Yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Yes
9. Lost someone special? Yes
10. Been depressed? Yes
11. Been drunk? No

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Green
13. Red
14. Black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends? Yes
16. Fallen out of love? No
17. Laughed until you cried? yes
18. Met someone who changed you? no
19. Found out who your true friends were? Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you? no
21. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list? no

TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have? I’m not sure of how many, as long its a blessing I’ll have it.
24. Do you have any pets? no
25. Do you want to change your name? YES
26. What did you do for your last birthday? Atlantic City
27. What time did you wake up today? around 8 in the morning
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching tiwanese Drama, My MVP Valentine.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Finish nursing and go for architecture
30. Last time you saw your father: last night
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? be in my 15′s once again
32. What are you listening to right now? nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Yes
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? people trying to be you friends but not. and guys that showed they love you but they are only just after sex.
36. Whats your real name? Lady-Jan Guanzon Jauod
37. Relationship Status: single, happy and not available
38. Zodiac sign: Gemini
39. Male or female: Female
40. Elementary: SSES
41. Middle School: I don’t have middle school. I go directly to High school after Elementary
42. High school: 1st two years, SI… Last 2 years, FBC
43. Hair color: Dark Brown
44. Long or short: long
45. Height: five 1
46. Do you have a crush on someone? yes yes. a lot
47. What do you like about yourself? responsible and Independent
50. Righty or lefty: righty

FIRSTS :
51. First surgery: minor surgery, cyst removal.
52. First piercing: my first pair of earings when i was little
53. First tattoo: None
54. First best friend: jedaidah
55. First sport you joined: volleyball
56. First pet: dog
57. First vacation: i cant remember when was it
58. First concert: same, can’t remember
59. First crush: 4rd grade, and he is a gay..
60. First alcohol drink: when i was 4th year high. i was 16 then.

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating: nope
62. Drinking: nope
63. I’m about to: cook dinner
64. Listening to: nothing
65. Waiting for: tomorrow

YOUR FUTURE :
66. Want kids? yes
67. Want to get married? yes
68. Careers in mind? many

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
69. Lips or eyes: yes
70. Hugs or kisses: hug
71. Shorter or taller: Taller
72. Older or Younger: Older
73. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous
74. Nice stomach or nice arms: stomach
75. Tattoos or piercings: no where
76. Sensitive or loud: loud
77. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant: Troublemaker.. coz i wann straight him up. ;P

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger: no
80. Drank hard liquor: i didn’t get drunk yet, so i guess nope
81. Lost glasses/contacts: no
82. Sex on first date: Never!
83. Broken someone’s heart: yes
84. Had your own heart broken: Yes
85. Been arrested: No
86. Turned someone down: Yes
87. Cried when someone died: yes
88. Kiss on the first date: never

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself: yes
90. Miracles: sometimes
91. Love at first sight: No
92. Heaven: yes
93. Santa Claus: no
94. Kissing on the first date: nope
95. Angels: yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? No
98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever? yes as long as they love each other and happiness always persist.
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without? water….
100. One thing that most people don’t know about you? I am now a new me. I could be innocent in my expression and in my looks but my brain is working analyzing stuff.

Ate Janice knew that we are going to give her a party but she did not expect us to give here a big party. It’s like the whole building was there to celebrate thank and congratulate her. Ate Janice was a great Nurse Manager, she is also a big sister figure to me. She understands my in related to my crazy schedule. I was inspired with her dedication to grew the 3B unite into a good and healthy relationship between employees and patients. She accommodates everyone even with the bump on her belly. She still work hard in making the unit in a better shape. I will really miss Ate Janice. Dessuie said: ” You baby belongs to 3B, she is the baby of our unit”.

See picture of the party: Janice’s Farewell & Baby Shower Party

Nancy and Dale

Everyone that I know that goes in WTCS school was dress up nicely and it was my first time seeing this “childish professionals” in a nice outfits. Nancy was dressed up with cute pink halter floral dress, Norma’s was dressing up with a black vintage kind of cocktail dress, and Moshie and Luise was dressing up neat and manly. There are also others that dress up like they have a ball to go. I mean they have this dress sweeping on the floor. It’s kind of too much because it does not look good with a toga on it.  But, it’s their day, what can we do.

At the graduation even though I was shy, I still manage to get over with it because if I’m not gonna step up and go at the front to take picture of my sister, she wont have any remembrance at all. I faced my fear and started acting as a grown up. I was my sister’s photographer. I was the only one there because our parents had not arrived, yet.

Whenever my sister walked on the stage I immediately go at the front and took her pictures. My sister received a gold medal for being the 1st honor student from her major. She gained the highest GPA among her classmates. 3.94 GPA.

After the ceremony, a young girl approached me and said “your dale’s sister, right?” I didn’t know that was Fatima. Fatima was Dale’s and Nancy’s co-worker in the Statue of Liberty, in the Liberty Island. We all now had our picture taken and I was now at the picture because both camera that I before had was now with my Dad and my step MOM. They are the one’s who was taking the picture at the end of the ceremony.

The day will not be completed unless there is dinner feast. So, we went to Red Lobster in Times Square.  We ordered this Lobster meal, and it was so delicious. Myself, and Dale’s had the same kind of dish. We also had this fried calamari for appetizer and New England Clam Chowder Soup, my favorites. Even the dinner was so expensive my dad still allowed us to order anything that we want to eat. As I recall, I think the bill was running to $300, and there were only 4 people that ate.

It was an amazing experience. Every hate was stepped aside and everyone was just having a good time. As if nothing had happen from the previous days.

A week before the graduation, I and my sister went to SOHO in Manhattan to buy a graduation dress for her. Well, of course, it’s her graduation and it is a big deal for me to give my spoiled sister a graduation gift. I pay her dress. We came in this Asian type of boutique, plus the sale, I saw this cute dark purple kind of cocktail dress. It was just $7.00. I mean.. hello.. seven bucks, how cheap was it that it dropped from the store price to this sale price. This little amout to this expensive Asian boutique merchandize? My sister liked the dress, and I matched it with a silver belt to make it more attractive. voualla! master piece!

Check out the Picture in Dale’s Graduation Day & Dinner Delight in my MultiplyAlbum.

I know that my dad is being protective on me and my sister, but it’s just too much. I feel like I was being caught in social deprivation. I always want to go somewhere with my friends, to hangout with them, have fun being young, but i can’t because dad always opposed on it. I am not a wild daughter, not even a bit. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and especially I don’t have any interest in hooking up with some guys nor with girls. I even go home before curfew. I always have clean fun, I don’t mess up, and most especially I choose my friends. I be friend with people that are not BI, bad influence. I got a lot of friends but because i can’t go out, I am now isolated from them.

Sometimes I’m so jealous of kids the same of my age that goes out and had good time in their youthful years. If you were to ask me what was the happiest times I had with friends, I’ll simple answer you, when i was in the Philippines. My mom is strict too, but not the same as this- having no interaction with piers the same as my age, or piers that I could call my own friends. I am already grown up. I know what’s wrong and whats right. I know that i am still young to take responsibility of myself but how would i learn if I am being deprived of learning and experiencing something in the real world. How would i grow? How would I merge to a new me? How would I become an adult if i just jump into an adult without experiencing my teen years.

Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen are the years that I suppose to have more fun. Those are the years that I suppose to have a learn from your mistakes” but with fun. The way you enjoy knowing something you like even though it could be wrong. Frankly speaking, I always cry myself to sleep thinking of the sad days that passes by. America is a good place but there is no happiness for me here because i can’t get it. When friends invites me to go out to have dinner, bowling, going to the beach, or watch a movie, I instantly always turn them down because I already know that my dad will not let me go. So instead, I stayed home, chillin’ by myself. Alone with the computer. Making network of friends in the internet. Making connections in the internet but it’s still not enough. I always feel like there is still lacking something. Something that has face, eyes, nose, mouth, hands, that one that walks, the one that you could giggle with.

Last month, I was thinking of going for a trip far away before next year May. I wanna go for snowboarding or skiing. Since I heard from my sister that her friend and her friends family are going for a snowboarding trip, it gave me a though if we could go with them. Of course I’ll pay for mine and my sisters expenses. I want to go with them because there will be people same as our age. So we will definitely  have fun. However my dad, opposed on it again because he was thinking that it’s my sisters wish to go with her friend, and she was only using me as a front man. But i am not a front man, I am the one who wishes to go somewhere else. I want to have a happy memory being young. I’ll be 22 next year and time will just fly by like a flick of a finger. I don’t want to waste any of my years. I don’t want to end up innocent of something simple or something fun. I don’t even want to be like my uncle who just pass away so young and it was so sudden. I don’t want to end up like neither of the two. It’s only a simple wish, happiness , happy memory, and i can’t still get it.

Here is my adorable niece, Rebecca Hayden. She is enjoying here 1st Christmas. She is our precious blessing our family have this year.  Her mom, my cousin, sent me this cute picture of her’s.

She looks like she is saying “Auntie, auntie, regalo ko? (where’s my gift?)” Just look at the hands, her hand gestures. LOL Becca. I’m guessing she is 5 months old already. She grew big so fast. And surely she looks like here mom.

Ahhhh.. Becca, the first grandchild of the family..

“Becca, auntie can’t wait to see and carry you.. “

A family friend’s child, from the Phlippines,  made this video as a tribute to our Uncle who pass away last month.  You could see how is he as a son, as a brother, as a father, as an uncle, as a coach and as a friend. Thank you tita nanet’s son or daughter for making this one. Sorry if i dont know its gender.